random

42 days left before i for my license

46 days left till our one year <3

49 days left till semester is over till august

then i go for license

i'm like a little girl in a candy store!

life doesn't get better then where it's at right now

sisters?

It's sad how it has come to this. Forced conversations, short little rendez-vous and endless laughs. We used to talk endless stupidity over coffee. We used to go on walks that led to nowhere. Or sitting at our favorite cafe till 4AM stuffing our faces with submarines, salads and canollis. What happened to those girls? Life moved on and things have become more complicating. Lives have become more hectic but why does a friendship of fourteen years have to become so distant? You used to be the one I leaned on, the one I loved like my own sister. You used to come to me for everything and we used to have everything and anything in common. I want my best friend back. The one who made a promise with me. The girl who is supposed to be my maid of honour the day I tie the knot. The girl who is supposed to drive me insane because she can't choose the dress she wants. The girl who screams, yells and is the life of the party. I miss my best friend and the girl I call my sister.

questions

"We're not fucking married." No we're not, but we're a couple. You and I makes an "us." What you do, what you say and everything else affects me in some way. Why can you not realize that? Is it because my feelings are just much more stronger? Is it because I'm selfish, jealous, paranoid, controlling, insane? Or is it simply because what I want out of "us" is a lot more then your standards. I can't seem to understand you anymore. Sometimes I feel your emotions so strong and other days I feel like you just want out. Kind of as if the commitment is not for you. Look at what you have me doing. Asking a million questions that I don't see answers to. I want the head over heels love we once had. You couldn't stand to be away from me. You couldn't stand to not talk to me. I still want that, but do you?

happiness?

Where did you go? Why did you have to leave? I see the love of my life holding my hand. He's holding me up with such little strings. Every other one has been cut. Life has turned off in many parts. Like a dark tunnel or like the flame running out in a candle. The smiles don't come as they used to. The wheels in my brain work on overdrive. My body drags itself. I hate myself. I try and love, but how can I love without loving myself? How can I give him all of me when I lost a piece. I know he'll wait. I know he has the patience. I know he'll support me on my road to self discovery but is it fair? Is it fair for him wait? Is it fair for him to have to put extra effort in supporting me when he seems to have everything figured out.

I miss my smile. I miss my glow. I miss my goals. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my brother. I miss the clubs. I miss the coffee dates. I miss downtown. I miss the city. I miss the "sister." I miss the phone calls. I miss the makeup. I miss the girl I was five months ago. I miss the girl who loved loved loved life. The girl who wouldn't trade it in for the world. The girl who had it all figured out. The girl who smiled through everything and held her head up high. The girl who had all her strings attached to the right section without anyone holding some together.

I think my unrealistic conclusion is a time machine. I think my realistic conclusion is commence with the soul searching.

theft

sat in an office. shaking, cold, crying. i looked around and thought "here goes my life, down the drain." did i ever think that the tears and story of my life would get me out of being expelled? never! are my conditions bad? not even close. i was looking at community service till May. now i have the option of seeing a counselor and financial aid. am i going to take it? probably not. i could not even be bothered. i cannot be bothered in discussing my family issues with a woman/man who works within the walls where i go to school. knowing that i'll walk down the hallways and maybe see them then think, 'they know my family issue.' that is definitely not my cup of tea, if i could even use that ancient term. either way, i just wish i could go back and follow my instinct. knowing that their wasn't enough people around to do it. but i did it anyway. well what's done is done but now it's time for me to get cracking. head in the books and start writing midterms and researching for my finals.

day light saving is killing me.

this depression is killing me.

this school is killing me.

my world is drowning me.

new car

new car for my mom/me

2009 mazda3

get it tuesday

i can't wait to get my license in May so i can drive it alone

abuse, love, relationships

political science research
macroeconomics dossier

study democracy notes

study american history notes

School will be the reason of my death.

I've been there and done that. I've had the hits, the bruises, the blood, the shoving, the verbal abuse, emotional abuse... you get the picture? If I could go back and not be so scared would I have done things differently? 100%! I wouldn't have waited for someone to reach their hand out to save me. I know, it's hard when you're blinded by "love". But, question it, is that truly the reason why? Or is it just because sometimes we become accustomed to that person and don't want to be alone?

I look at friends and their relationships. The verbal abuse they put themselves or their partner through is ridiculous. Name calling is just insane. "You're such a fucking cunt!" How could you possibly want to remain in a relationship when things are just so brutal? I try and understand where the thoughts of the people I know are coming from but they make no sense. They rely upon "good" days. They hope that their partner had a decent day just in order to be on good terms for that night. How is this possibly healthy?

I wish I could relate it to my experience but I consumed so much alcohol and smoked so much to the point I'd black out and just forget things. I hid my pain in many ways. I didn't talk about it, I didn't publicize it, I was ashamed of it. I look at couples now and they're free for all view. I look at my friends and they have no issues talking about what they're experiencing but rather just laugh it off and say, "Well he has his good days. If I don't believe he loves me, what else do I have?"

I got an answer that! Yourself!! Me, Myself & I is the only answer, nothing else. If one cannot love themselves, they cannot love another. It is what I tell each person I hold close to my life. If you originally did love yourself and began to lose that piece of you within the relationship then it's time for some soul searching. Maybe you got caught up in the moment and just need to get reorganized or maybe you're just molding yourself into that other persons "fantasy image". What happened to the and it helps real you?

Find it, love it, embrace it, keep it.

values

"Your values aren't with your family. Your life is all about friends and going
out. When you're home you're in your room and don't give a shit about anything
going on" - mom

Another Sunday night at the kitchen table getting a speech. I'm getting sick of it because it's the same talks week after week. I don't care about my family. I don't value a dollar. I'm selfish. I'm blind sided. I'm materialistic. I'm spoiled. Each week it's the same issues brought to the table. How many times can one bring them up and notice that it isn't going to change?

I have no reason to value a dollar. I'm ninteen years old with not one expense in my life. My values all lay within school. Get my grades, get into the university I want and pursue my career. I am the most spoiled child since I'm small. No one elses fault except for the one giving me the speech, my mother! I'm materialistic barely. I love shoes and purses, I barely buy any because I cannot afford them. I'm blind sided because on weekends I love to spend it with my boyfriend. I don't care about my family because we're so seperated? We all live within our own corners of this house? No one complains my brother just lives in the basement and doesn't associate. No education, unemployed and just a bum.

I cannot take the favortism anymore. It's driving me insane. I can't take feeling alone because everyone is shit. My friends are the most fucked up and self-centered assholes alive. Therefore, they're good for nothing. My family is old fashion and judgemental. I'm left with myself and nothing more. So, yes I do wish to live my life as I please. Come and go as I want. And just proceed till I can get out and do things my own way.