questions

"We're not fucking married." No we're not, but we're a couple. You and I makes an "us." What you do, what you say and everything else affects me in some way. Why can you not realize that? Is it because my feelings are just much more stronger? Is it because I'm selfish, jealous, paranoid, controlling, insane? Or is it simply because what I want out of "us" is a lot more then your standards. I can't seem to understand you anymore. Sometimes I feel your emotions so strong and other days I feel like you just want out. Kind of as if the commitment is not for you. Look at what you have me doing. Asking a million questions that I don't see answers to. I want the head over heels love we once had. You couldn't stand to be away from me. You couldn't stand to not talk to me. I still want that, but do you?

happiness?

Where did you go? Why did you have to leave? I see the love of my life holding my hand. He's holding me up with such little strings. Every other one has been cut. Life has turned off in many parts. Like a dark tunnel or like the flame running out in a candle. The smiles don't come as they used to. The wheels in my brain work on overdrive. My body drags itself. I hate myself. I try and love, but how can I love without loving myself? How can I give him all of me when I lost a piece. I know he'll wait. I know he has the patience. I know he'll support me on my road to self discovery but is it fair? Is it fair for him wait? Is it fair for him to have to put extra effort in supporting me when he seems to have everything figured out.

I miss my smile. I miss my glow. I miss my goals. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my brother. I miss the clubs. I miss the coffee dates. I miss downtown. I miss the city. I miss the "sister." I miss the phone calls. I miss the makeup. I miss the girl I was five months ago. I miss the girl who loved loved loved life. The girl who wouldn't trade it in for the world. The girl who had it all figured out. The girl who smiled through everything and held her head up high. The girl who had all her strings attached to the right section without anyone holding some together.

I think my unrealistic conclusion is a time machine. I think my realistic conclusion is commence with the soul searching.

theft

sat in an office. shaking, cold, crying. i looked around and thought "here goes my life, down the drain." did i ever think that the tears and story of my life would get me out of being expelled? never! are my conditions bad? not even close. i was looking at community service till May. now i have the option of seeing a counselor and financial aid. am i going to take it? probably not. i could not even be bothered. i cannot be bothered in discussing my family issues with a woman/man who works within the walls where i go to school. knowing that i'll walk down the hallways and maybe see them then think, 'they know my family issue.' that is definitely not my cup of tea, if i could even use that ancient term. either way, i just wish i could go back and follow my instinct. knowing that their wasn't enough people around to do it. but i did it anyway. well what's done is done but now it's time for me to get cracking. head in the books and start writing midterms and researching for my finals.

day light saving is killing me.

this depression is killing me.

this school is killing me.

my world is drowning me.