new car

new car for my mom/me

2009 mazda3

get it tuesday

i can't wait to get my license in May so i can drive it alone

abuse, love, relationships

political science research
macroeconomics dossier

study democracy notes

study american history notes

School will be the reason of my death.

I've been there and done that. I've had the hits, the bruises, the blood, the shoving, the verbal abuse, emotional abuse... you get the picture? If I could go back and not be so scared would I have done things differently? 100%! I wouldn't have waited for someone to reach their hand out to save me. I know, it's hard when you're blinded by "love". But, question it, is that truly the reason why? Or is it just because sometimes we become accustomed to that person and don't want to be alone?

I look at friends and their relationships. The verbal abuse they put themselves or their partner through is ridiculous. Name calling is just insane. "You're such a fucking cunt!" How could you possibly want to remain in a relationship when things are just so brutal? I try and understand where the thoughts of the people I know are coming from but they make no sense. They rely upon "good" days. They hope that their partner had a decent day just in order to be on good terms for that night. How is this possibly healthy?

I wish I could relate it to my experience but I consumed so much alcohol and smoked so much to the point I'd black out and just forget things. I hid my pain in many ways. I didn't talk about it, I didn't publicize it, I was ashamed of it. I look at couples now and they're free for all view. I look at my friends and they have no issues talking about what they're experiencing but rather just laugh it off and say, "Well he has his good days. If I don't believe he loves me, what else do I have?"

I got an answer that! Yourself!! Me, Myself & I is the only answer, nothing else. If one cannot love themselves, they cannot love another. It is what I tell each person I hold close to my life. If you originally did love yourself and began to lose that piece of you within the relationship then it's time for some soul searching. Maybe you got caught up in the moment and just need to get reorganized or maybe you're just molding yourself into that other persons "fantasy image". What happened to the and it helps real you?

Find it, love it, embrace it, keep it.

values

"Your values aren't with your family. Your life is all about friends and going
out. When you're home you're in your room and don't give a shit about anything
going on" - mom

Another Sunday night at the kitchen table getting a speech. I'm getting sick of it because it's the same talks week after week. I don't care about my family. I don't value a dollar. I'm selfish. I'm blind sided. I'm materialistic. I'm spoiled. Each week it's the same issues brought to the table. How many times can one bring them up and notice that it isn't going to change?

I have no reason to value a dollar. I'm ninteen years old with not one expense in my life. My values all lay within school. Get my grades, get into the university I want and pursue my career. I am the most spoiled child since I'm small. No one elses fault except for the one giving me the speech, my mother! I'm materialistic barely. I love shoes and purses, I barely buy any because I cannot afford them. I'm blind sided because on weekends I love to spend it with my boyfriend. I don't care about my family because we're so seperated? We all live within our own corners of this house? No one complains my brother just lives in the basement and doesn't associate. No education, unemployed and just a bum.

I cannot take the favortism anymore. It's driving me insane. I can't take feeling alone because everyone is shit. My friends are the most fucked up and self-centered assholes alive. Therefore, they're good for nothing. My family is old fashion and judgemental. I'm left with myself and nothing more. So, yes I do wish to live my life as I please. Come and go as I want. And just proceed till I can get out and do things my own way.